God Don’t Save Our Gracious Queen 

WORDS BY JACK SIMPSON

The article that might earn me a knighthood.

Alike much of the modern world, in recent decades Britain has made huge strides forward in becoming a democratic society. By no means have we achieved true democracy – just look at our banks, elitist schools and the social forces that keep most of us in our little lanes – but we have, nonetheless, moved forward.

Despite our democratic evolution, a ridiculous relic remains from our darkest days; the British monarchy.

Now I’m no idiot – I like to think, at least – so I know that the little raisin, Elizabeth II, isn’t the cause of all our problems and is probably the cause of very few. Although this being said, it’s the paradox of having a completely unelected 92 year old woman as the head of state that baffles me. For anyone who thinks she’s cute I say to you this: instead let’s replace the queen with a puppy or a kitten if being cute justifies spending millions of pounds of taxpayer money annually.

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When Queen Elizabeth II was inaugurated in 1953, Britain’s empire still consisted of 39 other colonies. 

Now down to the nitty gritty of why we should have a good old fashion beheading of the British monarchy. To begin, let’s just look at what the monarchy is costing us. In total, the cost of the British monarchy per annum to the British taxpayer is a whopping £334 million. With austerity measures leading to budget cuts to UK service-sectors happening faster than you can say “God save our Queen”, that bit of spare change wouldn’t go amiss.

“But what about the tourism the monarchy attracts!”, I hear you cry. In response I ask, does any regular tourist actually see the Queen or any of her platinum spoon crew? I’m sure that if the royal family didn’t live in Buckingham Palace there would be a much smaller security cost for the premises which would therefore allow paid tours of the palace to be held – thus bringing in an even greater sum of royalty-related revenue.

Now I know that our dear olde Lizzy hasn’t single-handedly committed any war crimes – but a quick Google search will reveal more than a handful genocidal atrocities at the hands of the British Empire, in the name of the British monarch.

One example of suffering at the hands of the British monarchy is the Native American genocide. Perpetrated by the British monarchy, adult male Native American scalps were rewarded with £50, £25 for a female adult scalp, and £20 for the scalp of a Native American boy or girl native under the age of 12. As well as the economic encouragement that people had to kill Native Americans, King George II, the bastard, once said “subjects are to embrace all opportunities of pursuing, captivating, killing and destroying all and every of the aforesaid Indians”. 
I don’t have the time or energy to account all of the horrific transgressions our beloved monarchy has been to blame for but, like I said earlier, they’re only a Google search away. Not to lose my point here, what I’m trying to get at is that the legacy of our Head of State (because they are family descendants) is so disgraceful that we must question why we would even want to hold onto a symbol of such genocide?

Whenever I do converse with anyone about this subject, people always fire the same bullshit at me regarding how much good our monarch does around the world. I try respond seriously to the do-gooding claims, but I often fail. I mean, when prince Harry, or whoever else for that matter, is kicking around a shitty football with a 3rd world child with no shoes for a couple of photos, where do you think he goes after? Back to the mud hut to eat plain rice with the child, or to the nearest helicopter landing pad from where he will be flown to the best hotel in the nearby vicinity? To be honest with you, I’d put money on it being the latter. Not to mention prince Harry was part of the armed forces in Afghanistan, bombing the same kind of communities the royal family visit.

To sign off I’ll try write without the tone of anarchism. If you are a royalist please just consider- is it right that anyone should be afforded the title of Head of State, along with the privileges that comes with it, just because they were born? Our country is synonymous with our monarchy and our monarch is synonymous with violence, genocide and slavery. Although we cannot forget about our bloody history, it’s diabolic to keep the decedents of the perpetrators of such vile acts as our head of state.

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