The human mind is a complicated, intricate channel of emotions and thoughts that will forever collide and battle each other in search for dominance. The most influential emotions that dictate my present mood are becoming increasingly interchangeable, as I plough through each stage of my teenage years.
people around me are constantly changing, revealing to me what life really is. It’s showing me how quickly my entire perspective on someone’s existence can change – like the flick of a light switch. As each day passes, I obtain new-found knowledge on society and the way people function. It’s almost as if I can simply open someone up and form an understanding of the being they desire to be, before they even begin to tell me of their aspirations or passions.

One emotion, however, has managed to rewire the way I think in a way that I never thought was capable. Love. To me, love has never been about compassion and showing deep, meaningful emotions. I am not profound of being emotional over another person. I prefer to find happiness, and take an interest, in myself. Watching time tick away as I look at society from the outside, studying it and creating a reality in my mind. A reality that I want to live in.

But, inevitably, this changed. I first truly met her when we went for a drink. We sat down together and from the second we opened our mouths conversation seemed to flow with ease. I didn’t have to tame my words or use intricate vocabulary to keep their full interest. I sat there and talked about my passions, opinions, past and present and, for the first time in a long time, I felt like the person I was voicing it to actually wanted to listen. Perhaps even more attractively, they showed an effortless display of understanding.

The reality of love is often different to its representation in movies and popular culture. 

I’m going to make it clear at this point: I don’t  endorse being emotionally attached to people outside of the group I consider my “family” (not necessarily those bound to that title through blood too). But I sat across from this person, and something changed inside of me that will impact me for the rest of my life. We locked eyes, and I got lost within hers. I slipped away from reality and into her gaze and finally understood what it was like for someone to look at me with genuine, wholesome lust. Never before have I felt wanted/ adored by another person and it was nothing like I expected. For someone to lay eyes upon me in such a powerful, emotionally driven way, I expected would send my mind into a change – but never did I think it would send me into a spiralling frenzy of confusion. Expectations allowed me to believe that this moment would feel like a new chapter or even a detour in this journey we call “life”… this was not the case.

Reality struck as my mind, heart and soul battled for reasons unknown to each other but deemed the war necessary – even though the reasons for conflict weren’t, and never will, completely be justified or commonly agreed. I never knew that, being a person that many consider to be a robot, so many different entities could rush to my mind – as if someone opened a flood gate. Never again will someone look at me with the intentions of lust and compassion the way they did, and that will stay with me forever.

The next day was different.

The plates of earth shifted – the skies opened with roaring fury and my new found world of emotion seemed to plunge into oblivion and take a turn for the worse as I felt everything slip away helplessly. The world of fulfilment and virtue that I basked upon in such glory the day before now felt like a distant memory that I’m not sure I ever really even experienced… it was too good, a dream. What I didn’t realise, is that you really can try too hard to connect with someone the way I now have a hunger for. This now sends me on a journey, or more so a search, for more opportunities to understand myself as a human being and find what I require to know / understand about the wonderland we so loosely label “love”. My main lesson is to cherish every moment I have to connect with my inner being and feel content with someone else, as that gateway may cease to exist in the space of a night.

To truly want to understand a person’s existence and respect them as an individual doesn’t naturally occur to me, but I felt genuine concern, care, and a gripping interest in someone’s life in its entirety… I yearned to know more about them. Fore each time they spoke, about any subject, they hooked my attention completely: from their opinions of the meal we were eating ,to their impressive knowledge on so many different subjects. For as long as I contemplate the sentences they crafted to present their thoughts, they will continue to blow my mind. Love, for me, is not smothering affection, sexual tensions, or even simply saying “I love you”.

My love is simply a true regard for the person’s wellbeing and a genuine care for their state of mind; a hope that I can continue to provide a constant flow of comforting and optimistic thoughts to someone else’s reality. Maybe, just maybe I could be an inspiration to someone, and that we could, one day, tend for and admire each other’s aspirations and interests – no matter how much they contrast each other.

Love, this time round, left me feeling empty in a way I had never experienced prior. But from these few days, I’ve learned more about myself as a person and the way I wish to carry out my life as a resident on earth than I ever deemed to be possible in such a short length of time.

But, fuck it. I’m a robot. However, I know now that I’m a robot that is capable of bringing life to a much needed psyche.


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